Kill Me Romantically
by Kir Sirin
Summary: Tensions are high when the Joker realizes a certain little pussycat is close to snatching Batman’s heart with her sharp claws. And the Dark Knight has a plan to put Harley down once and for all. Gee, isn’t love grand? BatmanxJoker. Three-shot.
1. The Plan

So, this is just a short story with a few bloodstains and shady schemes. I love the idea of Batman being jealous and oooh the Joker's just been _itching_ to skin that cat ever since she laid her almond eyes on his Knight!

Reviews are greatly appreciated!

This chapter is kinda short and sounds a bit wierd... I have no idea why.

* * *

**Kill Me Romantically.**

Catwoman drummed her sharp claws against Batman's hard chest and purred against his neck. "Oooh Batman you are always so mysterious." She fluttered her thick eyelashes and smiled. "Tell me is the man beneath the mask just as interesting?"

Batman grabbed her wrist just before her fingers could graze his cheek, "Catwoman please." His ice blue eyes narrowed as the light caught her green tipped nails. "Don't take me as a fool."

Catwoman smiled and shook her hand out of his grasp. She turned her back to Batman and said, "Heh, silly bat. I'll find out _sooner _or later." In a blur, Catwoman turned around and placed a swift kiss on Batman's cheek. She leaped off the rooftop and disappeared.

Batman placed his palm against her kiss and sighed. He rolled his eyes and took out his grappling gun.

As the shot rang out and Batman flew away, the Joker tightened his fists and snarled.

_I'll _skin_ that cat!_

* * *

Batman crouched on the edge of the roof and peered at the little hideout before him. He almost cringed when he heard Harley give a loud squeal at the sight of the Joker.

Blue eyes took in the sight.

There he was, the Harlequin of Hate, walking moodily towards the abandoned fun house. His gloved hands were tightly clenched into fists and his shoulders were painfully straight.

"Mistah J!" Harley cried. She wrapped her thin arms around his neck and lifted her leg halfway into the air. "Where have ya been, puddin'?"

Batman flinched as his heart started to ache. He narrowed his eyes and tossed the feeling away in a dark corner.

"Nowhere." The Joker muttered. His anger surprisingly melted away, only to be replaced by indescribable sorrow. He plucked Harley's arms off him, shoved his hands into his pockets, and walked towards the entrance. "Just walking around."

Harley watched with sadness in her black eyes as the Joker disappeared into their hideout.

"Mistah J?" She gave a quiet sigh. "What happened…?"

Batman could feel something pinch his heart and roll his stomach in circles at the image of the Joker's regretful face. He looked as if he had seen something he didn't want to.

"It's all Batman's fault!" Harley stomped her foot. "It's always his fault! He did something to my poor Mistah J and now he's gonna pay!"

_My poor Mistah J…_

_**My **__Mistah J…_

Batman suddenly stood up. Harley thought that the Joker was _hers_? Ha! That Clown Prince of Crime didn't even like her. He only used her.

Batman felt disgusted with himself as he thought of the Joker ever _truly_ wanting Harley Quinn.

How **dare** that worthless, brainless, useless—

Batman glowered at her. The Joker was _not_ hers.

And if he was ever going to make the Joker _his_, he needed to get _her_ out of the way first.

Batman's glare deepened.

* * *

The Joker slammed the door to his room. He collapsed on the bed and buried his head into his pillow. Why should he care so much anyway? This was Batman! Mr. _Dark_ _Knight_.

Why would he go for a criminal he supposedly hates?

The Joker pushed himself off and slammed his hands against a table filled with blueprints. He shoved them all off, grabbed a black marker, and started to write directly on the table.

The Joker's red lips cracked into a grin. _I'll get her out of my way once and for all._

As he started to laugh, he crushed the black marker in his fist. Ink spilled everywhere but the Joker's maniacal laugh only grew stronger.

Time to see if cats really _do_ land on their feet.


	2. The Action

**Kill Me Romantically. **

"Hehehe!" The Joker giggled as he sat on the railing of Gotham's highest building. He lovingly stroked the black cat in his arms. It had a missing patch of skin on its back. It wouldn't take long now. After the note and 'present' he had left, the Clown Prince of Crime was _certain_ the cat would come.

And then he'd be able to test out the world's oldest myth.

The wind blew through the Joker's green curls and chilled him through his purple coat. He let out a whistle and sang, "Tick tock, tick tock, you better run kitty cat, don't walk!"

"I'm here clown." Catwoman appeared on the rooftop. She was glaring at the Joker's smiling face as she held up the plastic bag containing the cat's missing piece with the letter _J_ written in dripping blood. "Give me my cat back." She snarled and took a step forward.

"Ah, ah, ah!" The Joker's smile grew wider as he held the cat by its neck just over the edge of the building. "Not an inch closer kitty or the cat gets it! Hahaha!"

"What do you want?" Catwoman asked. Her heart thundered in her ears at the sight of her precious cat squirming in the Joker's fingers.

"Oooh, straight to the point!" The Joker shook his head. "That's no fun- no fun at all!" His smile faded into a grim glare. "Tell me Catwoman, do you know _why_ I have your pussy dangling over all of Gotham?"

"Because you're insane."

The Joker let out a loud laugh and threw his head back. "Haha quite right, but no that isn't all of it. You're trying to steal something that I've had my eye on for a while now. This is just my payback…" The Joker grinned. "And reassurance that you wont _ever_ go after him again."

"Joker, who—" Catwoman stiffened when the Joker started to sing.

"Four little fingers standing up tall," His grip loosened. Catwoman held her breath. What could she do? "Two little ears to head mummy's call." The Joker's green eyes flashed with a devious intention.

The wall holding Catwoman's self control cracked a bit.

"One little nose that I can blow," The Joker's eyes never left Catwoman as he let one of his fingers go. "Four tiny toes all in a row!"

Another finger released the cat.

Catwoman could feel the sweat drizzle down the back of her neck.

"A little tail that wiggles up and down…"

Catwoman took a step forward. Her wall was crumbling **fast**.

"Four little feet to stamp on the ground," The Joker tried his hardest not to laugh as he let another finger go and Catwoman gave a small shriek. "Teeth to chew and eyes to see…"

The Joker let the black cat go and its owner let out a loud cry as she leapt off the roof and tried to save him. The Joker gave a fake gasp and watched as Catwoman fell to her demise.

_Splat!_

"What fun it is to be me! HAHAHA!" The Joker bent his head backwards and howled into the night. He slapped the cold railing and his laughter started to die down a bit.

"Hmm… Turns out cats don't land on their feet. Damn those stupid old wives and their stories! No wonder their husbands never come home!" The Joker cupped his hands beside his mouth and shouted to the streets below him, "Sorry pussycat! Wave your tail if you're all right!" The Joker laughed at his joke and dusted his coat off. "Ew cat hair."

He leaped off the railing he was sitting on and walked towards the door to the stairs.

_Now for my Batsy._ He grinned.

* * *

Harley crept into the jewelry store and quietly looked around. "It must be here somewhere!" She hissed. "Mistah J will love it!" She smiled. "And **me** once I give it to him!"

Harley had been tipped off that there was a new piece in the jewelry store; a joker pendant with rubies, periods, diamonds, and amethysts.

Amethysts just _happened _to be her puddin's favorite gem of all.

She looked everywhere for it, but to no avail. Her black eyes flickered to a gold crown shining brilliantly in its gold case. Harley gasped and ran over to it. The diamonds embedded inside shone like a nightlight inside the dark store.

"Mistah J will love this too!" She cried. Harley took a moment to think of his reaction.

_Harley handed her love the crown she successfully stole for him. "Mistah J I stole this for ya!"_

_The Joker blushed and looked absolutely stunned. "Harley…" His hands carefully took the crown in them and he placed it on top of his beautiful head. _

"_Now you really __are__ the Clown Prince of Crime!" Harley exclaimed._

_The Joker let out a loud laugh. "Wonderful Harley!" He cupped her face in his gloved hands and whispered softly, "Thank you so much…" _

_The Joker leaned in as Harley closed her eyes and—_

Harley let out a loud, happy squeal as she blushed madly at her own thoughts. She licked her lips and placed her hands on either side of the glass case.

"I believe that sign out in front of the store reads _closed_." Came a voice.

Harley stiffened and looked over her shoulder. "Batman?!"

Batman slowly walked up to Harley and said darkly, "You won't get out of here with that."

"Just watch me!" Harley quickly turned back to the case, broke it open with her fist, winced, and reached in to grab her prize.

But Batman grabbed both of her wrists in both hands. He twisted them backwards and slapped cuffs on. "You're coming with me."

"H-Hey wait! How'd you get here so fast anyways?! I didn't trip any alarms!"

A smirk flashed past Batman's face as he yanked Harley outside of the store. "Did you really think there was a joker pendant here?"

Realization dawned on Harley's face and she started to scream and kick. "You tricked me! You sent that note! Get your hands offa' me!! Take these cuffs off!"

"I'll take them off when we get to Arkham." Batman threw Harley roughly into his car and went to the other side to get in. He slammed the door and glared at her. She squeaked and fell silent.

"He'll never love you." Batman hissed.

Harley turned whiter than her makeup. "Wha-What?"

"He doesn't, and will never, belong to you." Batman stiffly turned to look out the windshield and sped off.

As they drove, Harley looked at her lap and thought about what Batman said. _He'll never belong to me? Who…?_

Her head picked up and she turned to Batman. "You mean Mistah J?"

Batman's glare deepened.

Harley gasped, "_That's_ why you did this?! You want me outta the way don't'cha? So you can make your move—"

"That's enough!" Batman bellowed.

Harley fell silent and looked back at her lap. She smiled secretly. _Yell all ya' want… But when Mistah J finds out your little secret…_

Batman's car screeched to a halt as they reached Arkham Asylum. He got out of the car and yanked Harley by her arm. The doors slammed opened and Batman threw her into an employee's arms.

"Here." He said simply. As he turned to leave, he saw Harley smile deviously at him. Batman looked at the man that was holding her and said, "Make sure she gets the electroshock therapy. She's gone off the edge."

"All right sir." Harley squeaked and started to scream and pull against the employee.

"I hate you Batman!" She screamed.

The doors of Arkham closed behind the Dark Knight and he gave a shaky sigh. If the Joker ever found out how Batman felt…

It would certainly lead to his demise.


	3. The Confrontation

I hope you enjoyed this three-shot. I have five other BatmanxJoker stories I have yet to announce, so don't think this is the end of it!

* * *

**Kill Me Romantically**

Joker snickered as he ran out of the bank with a heavy sack of money hanging over his shoulder. He stopped in his tracks as Batman stood before him.

The Joker looked around. "Oh? Where's that kitty of yours?" He smiled into Batman's blue eyes already knowing the answer.

Batman shrugged nonchalantly. "Where's Harley?"

The Joker hoisted the sack higher on his shoulder. "Hmm… Now that you mention it… I haven't seen her in a while…" He grinned. "Maybe the two wenches are having a tea party! Hahaha!"

Batman took a few steps towards the Joker. His mesmerizing glare caused the clown to drop his sack and stare into those icy blue irises. His hand _itched_ to feel that pale skin.

"Batsy…" The Joker breathed. He watched as Batman looked around warily too see if anyone was looking. "No one's looking."

Batman locked eyes with the Joker; a troubled looked plastered all over his grim face.

The Joker giggled and slowly placed his palm against Batman's neck. "Hehehe don't fly away just yet."

After everything the Joker had done in that past week, he would have been insane if he didn't kiss the bat.

Softly, the Joker pressed his dark red lips against Batman's.

I guess that leaves his spot open at Arkham then!

He curled his fingers tightly against the back of his leathered neck and held him still. He didn't need his one and only to run away. Surprisingly though, Batman returned the kiss.

The Dark Knight's stomach burned with a fierce fire he didn't even know existed. He wrapped his arms around the Joker and fisted his purple coat tightly.

The Joker tried his hardest not to smile against the kiss as his mind grew fuzzy from the current high he was experiencing. He pressed harder, deeper into the kiss and mewled in the back of his throat as rough hands ran through his soft curls.

Batman's heart ached harder with every beat and he shut his eyes tighter to try and drown the feeling out.

This could be such a mistake.

This could end Batman, right here, right now.

But, as the Joker's hands stroked the revealed sides of Batman's face, the Dark Knight realized he didn't care that much at the moment.

He bit down on the Joker's bottom lip and the Ace of Knaves gasped into his mouth. Batman's grip on the Joker's hair tightened as he pulled him closer against him.

Harley **never** had this.

Batman almost smiled at the thought. The Joker didn't want a silly girl like her. He had no stomach for that. But…

Did this mean that the Joker wanted _him_?

Batman's heart leapt into his throat and his stomach tumbled. He threw such thoughts aside and focused on the sweet taste of cinnamon that flooded into his mouth.

The Joker wished Catwoman was here to see this. Although he was glad she wasn't. The silly kitty could never get this close.

Only the Joker would.

Sirens filled the air and red and blue lights chased the darkness away. Batman softly pushed the Joker a breath away from his face. The Joker's half-lidded green eyes slowly looked into the smoky blue before him.

He smiled as he realized some of the ice had melted away. "Bye, bye Batsy." The Joker whispered.

Batman didn't say anything as he stared into those foggy green eyes. He simply grabbed the Joker's thin arms and held him tightly as Gordon stepped out of his police car and chaffed metal handcuffs against the Joker's wrists.

For a fleeting moment, Batman had the urge to tug the Joker into his arms and fly away with him.

But Gordon beat him to the punch.

"Let's go Joker." Gordon said with a hint of distaste. He took the Joker's arm and pulled him to the car.

Without even blinking, the Joker grinned and shouted, "Don't forget to visit Batsy! I'll be missing my honeycakes every minute of the day!" He winked and kissed the air.

Batman quickly turned away as the sound of the car door slamming shut echoed through the street. He shook his head and tried his hardest to conceal the smile that tugged at his lips.

If only things were that easy.

The Joker sighed dreamily as he saw Batman shoot his grappling gun and disappear into the night. He rested the side of his face against the cool window and started to laugh.

Did he really think that the Joker didn't catch that smile?

Of course he did.

The Joker's nostalgic moment was interrupted by Gordon's irritating voice. "What's so funny?" The Commissioner asked.

The Joker shifted in his seat and rested the back of his head against the cushion. He grinned, _Batsy's little crush on me. _"Your mustache."

Gordon's spine tingled violently as the cop car was filled with the Joker's insane laughter.

_Kir Sirin_


End file.
